


Goose Certified

by Soulstoned



Category: Original Work, Untitled Goose Game (Video Game)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, Mpreg, Stork-centric reproduction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-27 09:56:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21116861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Soulstoned/pseuds/Soulstoned
Summary: In a world where reproduction is overseen by the Stork Agency, two roommates get a visit from a goose.





	Goose Certified

**Author's Note:**

  * For [marginaliana](https://archiveofourown.org/users/marginaliana/gifts).

> I hope you enjoy this! The tags I chose to work with are: "All The Chaos The Goose Causes Actually Is Good," "Goose filling in for stork spirit that usually determines conception does not use power wisely" and "There aren't enough beds because the Goose is in one of them"

Dylan knows it can't be morning yet when he's shaken awake by his roommate Alex. He burrows his face into his pillow trying to ignore the other man after a quick glance at his clock shows him that it's just past three and he has barely been asleep a full hour.

"Scoot over, there's a goose in my bed," Alex says.

"Can't you get the goose out of your bed?" Dylan asks, scooting over against the wall anyway.

"I can't get close to it, it just honks and flaps at me, it didn't calm down until I came in here," Alex says, climbing into bed. 

At any other time, Dylan would be out of bed trying to herd the goose out of the apartment in hope of salvaging what's left of their security deposit, but he's not a rational man when he's this tired. Before long he's fast asleep again, all thoughts of the goose set aside to deal with later.

In the morning he wakes up hard as a rock with Alex's arms around him spooning him from behind. An experimental press backwards tells him that he isn't the only one affected by their proximity. 

It would hardly be the first time they fucked, even if it is the first time they've ever spent the night in the same bed. Dylan grinds backwards against Alex as he snakes his hand down into his boxers. It's win/win really, either Alex will wake up ready bone down, or he'll leave the room and give Dylan some privacy to take care of it himself.

Alex wakes up with a groan. "You can't do that unless you want me to…"

"Do it," Dylan says with a grin, turning to reach over Alex and grab the bottle of lube off his nightstand.

"I thought we were keeping things casual, morning sex doesn't feel very casual," Alex protests, although Dylan notes that he is slipping out of his boxers anyway.

"Says the guy who climbed into bed with me last night just to sleep," Dylan laughs.

"Touché," Alex says as he slicks up his cock.

The goose is nearly forgotten as Dylan climbs on top of Alex and sinks down slowly on his cock. This definitely beats jacking off.

"Fuck, dude you really wanted this," Alex says, reaching forward to grab Dylan by the hips to guide him as he begins to work up a slow rhythm.

"Don't let it go to your head, I'm pretty much always ready to go in the morning." Dylan says, moaning slightly as he switches up the angle.

"I wouldn't mind waking up like this more often," Alex says, relaxing against the pillows with a grin on his face as Dylan rides him.

They've been straddling the line between friends and lovers for months now, and this feels like another step towards an actual relationship. Spending the night together, morning sex, Alex's admission.

Of course, maybe it really doesn't mean anything, maybe a goose really did chase Alex out of his bed last night, and maybe all he means by what he said is that sex is fun and shouldn't be restricted to night time. Maybe they should be making sure there isn't still a goose in their apartment.

Dylan picks up the pace as he takes himself in hand, spilling over his roommate's stomach, Alex follows close behind him. 

There's no time to enjoy the afterglow before the sound of a loud crash startles them out of bed.

That's right, the goose.

Dylan wipes himself down with a t-shirt from his laundry bin and slips back into his boxers before tiptoeing in the direction of the crash. 

A minute later Alex steps up behind him wielding a broom. The goose is sitting on their kitchen counter, surrounded by broken glass. As it sees them round the corner, it looks them straight in the eyes and knocks another glass onto the floor.

"Okay, now what?" Alex asks.

"I'll open the door, you use the broom to herd it outside," says Dylan, giving the goose a wide berth as he slowly makes his way to the front door.

Alex hesitantly moves toward the goose with the broom in his hands. The goose flaps and honks and makes a big fuss, breaking several more glasses and plates before finally being herded outside. 

After a few seconds the goose pops up in the open window and drops a crumpled piece of paper inside before flying away.

"Well, I guess we know how it got in," Dylan says, closing the window.

Alex sighs and starts sweeping up the broken glass. 

Dylan moves to throw away the crumpled piece of paper, but the logo on top catches his eye. 

"A stork certificate?" He laughs.

"Probably stolen from a neighbor. Whose names are on it?" Alex asks.

"Huh, that's weird," Dylan says, uncrumpling the paper.

"What?"

"It has our names on it."

Alex snorts. "Well this has to be the weirdest prank anyone has ever pulled on us."

"Yeah, weird," Dylan says, tossing the paper in the trash, trying to brush aside the feeling of unease he felt at seeing his own name listed as the "mother."

____________

A few weeks later, Dylan is exhausted. He isn't sure what has come over him, but all he wants to do is sleep and literally everything makes him gag. He pushes through it, not missing any work at the corner store even though all he really wants to do is crawl into his bed and never come out.

He is dragging as he walks into his apartment, expecting Alex to still be at work. He's surprised to see him on the couch watching the news.

"You're home early," he says, flopping down next to him on the couch.

"Yeah, it was a pretty easy gig tonight, I put the leftovers in the fridge if you're hungry."

Never having to cook dinner has to be one of the best perks of having a caterer for a roommate. "I don't really want to move, but I'll grab something in a few minutes," Dylan says, propping his feet up on the coffee table.

"You still sick?" Alex asks, scooting away.

"Not really, just tired."

Dylan isn't paying much attention to the news until he hears the anchor mention a scandal at the Stork Agency. 

The Stork Agency oversees all human reproduction. Couples who want a baby must submit an application, which is then considered by the storks, and if it's approved they receive a stork certificate congratulating them on their upcoming arrival. 

On the news is a couple who applied for a Stork Certificate, but when they received it the names were backwards. They laughed it off as a simple mistake until the woman went in for her first ultrasound and it was revealed that she wasn't pregnant. Further investigation found that her husband was carrying their child instead. 

Dylan and Alex look at each other in dawning horror. "Well, I guess I can stop worrying that you're contagious," Alex says.

"Fuck," Dylan groans, sinking further into the couch.

____________

Over the next few days, Dylan calls around to various doctor's offices trying to get an appointment. Most of them brush him off, but one is able to give him an appointment a month out. 

He has pissed on pretty much every brand of pregnancy test offered by the corner store where he works, and they're all saying the same thing, he's knocked up for sure.

Alex is being weirdly sweet about it, offering to go with him to his appointments and bringing home his favorite snacks, but this whole thing still feels overwhelming.

More and more news stories keep cropping up about couples who received a stork certificate without ever applying for one, or for whom reproduction would normally be impossible. They all have one thing in common: the certificate was delivered by a goose.

The day of his appointment comes and he isn't sure what to expect. He has probably 20 positive pregnancy tests in a box at home and his pants are starting to get tight, but this whole thing still feels surreal.

He stands on the scale and lets the nurse take his vitals before being instructed to pee in a cup. 

A few minutes later, the doctor rushes into the room looking baffled. "I was prepared to refer you to psych, but this is positive," he says, gesturing to the pregnancy test in his hand. "Follow me."

Dylan follows the doctor down the hall and up the stairs with Alex close behind. They are brought into a room with an ultrasound and Dylan is instructed to lie back on the table as the doctor steps out of the room. A minute later the doctor has returned with a woman in scrubs who must be the ultrasound tech.

Alex takes Dylan's hand as the tech instructs him to lift his shirt and squirts something cold onto his lower stomach.

It takes a few minutes, but eventually she finds what she is looking for. She gasps as she centers the image on the screen on a tiny wiggling blob. "I heard this was happening, but I never expected to see it myself," she says.

The angle changes and the image on the screen gets clearer. At that point it's obvious what they're looking at. The tech takes measurements and at one point plays the heartbeat out loud for everyone to hear. Alex's grip on Dylan's hand gets tighter as the sound echoes around the small room.

"Everything looks good," the tech says, printing out a few pictures to give to the two men. "You're about 13 weeks along, does that match with when you received your stork certificate?"

Dylan starts to count backwards through the weeks trying to remember when exactly they saw the goose, but Alex beats him to it. "Yeah, 13 weeks sounds about right."

Dylan is still in a daze as he makes his follow up appointment and walks out to Alex's car. "Is it weird that I kinda want to keep it?" he asks.

"I don't know, is it weird that that's what I was hoping you would say?" Alex asks, tentatively reaching out to brush his hand across Dylan's stomach.

"I guess we're doing this." Dylan says with a grin, looking back down at the pictures in his hand.  
__________

Telling their friends and families goes about how they expected it to. The teasing is relentless, but meant in good fun as everyone pulls together to help them come up with the supplies they will need for their upcoming baby. 

By the time Dylan hits his third trimester, Alex has moved into his room and they've managed to turn Alex's room into a functioning, albeit mismatched nursery.

"Did you hear they fired the goose?" Alex asks as he sits on the floor of the nursery digging through the hand-me-down baby clothes that were given to them by his sister.

"No, but I guess it makes sense," Dylan says, resting his hand on his belly. "Too many scandals."

"Well I'm glad we got our little scandal before it happened," Alex says as he scoots closer to the rocking chair where Dylan is sitting to press a quick kiss to his stomach before going back to sorting through the clothes.

"Yeah, I just feel bad for all the people out there that won't get a chance at this now that things are going to go back to normal. Most of the people the goose certified are people like us that the storks would've rejected."

"Yeah, we got lucky," Alex agrees.

_____________

The birth is uneventful, a planned c-section a week before Dylan's due date. Some of the other men who got a visit from the goose have attempted a natural delivery with mixed results, but Dylan doesn't feel like he has anything to prove, he just wants to get this over with.

The baby is perfect. Seven pounds and two ounces and the perfect mix of both of them. Dylan doesn't want to put her down. 

He's glad Alex talked him out of the idea he had to name her Goose when he was still high on painkillers. Gabrielle suits her better. 

It's been a strange journey, but he loves his little family, and he can't help but feel grateful to the goose for making it happen. 

He and Alex were one of thousands of couples who wrote into the Stork Agency to ask them to reconsider firing the goose. Eventually a compromise was reached and the application was changed to list "carrier and non-carrier parent" instead of "mother and father." Dylan can't help but wonder if that's what the goose was aiming for all along.

Or maybe the goose is just a goose and chaos is what geese live for. 

Either way, it all worked out for the best.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] Goose Certified](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24006346) by [olive2pod (olive2read)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/olive2read/pseuds/olive2pod)


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